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#2. listen from the inside

we had a little adventure this week zo. 
funny how much more my heart worries now that you’re involved. 
(i think your family would say the same)
it started with just a little sore throat. then the chills. then tempatures too high above where our doctor says they can go. 
here’s a little thing you can learn about your mama. she’s not a fan of going to the doctor. when it comes to admitting myself? i like to believe that my body is special and will heal itself on its own. doctors are last resorts. 
(sometimes and usually irresponsibly so.)
but all that changed on april 11th.
the moment the thermometor flashed numbers too high for your safety, i learned another secret about being your mama. 
it didn’t matter any more that i get nervous around people with MD attatched to their names. or that i would much prefer to google my symptoms before i decide to diagnosis myself with something completely irrelevant to my condition. all that mattered was you. and doing exactly everything necessary to be sure you were okay. it wasn’t even a choice to make. it was just happening.
as i rode to meet your daddy at the urgent care clinic i didn’t say much. i just listened from the inside. for you. for the feelings i’ve come to know and rely on to assure me of you. the feelings that tell me you are very much alive. and alive you were.
they asked me to wear this mask. i didn’t argue. (not even about the photo your daddy snapped)
they took all kinds of vitals that my nerves usually invalidate. not this time. this time was too important to be nervous.
in the end, providing that i follow all instructions, you were going to be fine. in fact, so was i. 
five days later and i have a handful of sicky symptoms hanging around but all the scary ones are gone.
before you? i would still be making the most of these little symptoms. good to the last drop.
(i really like sick days) 
but not this time. this time it is to important to listen inside. to be sure to be fine. 
and fine we are.
stay safe, sweet girl, grow strong. 
i’ll keep doing my part, you keep doing yours.
we’ll do this together.

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